Testing

I wonder...

I wonder if you know how ridiculous you sound, when you claim that we live in a police state and the next day you say the second amendment rights are not necessary anymore. 


In a police state you would not be allowed to have guns.  They generally dislike anyone having the ability to be able to defend themselves against the government.  No weapons= no defense.  Therefore, if you truly believe that we are headed in that direction you shouldn't be so opposed to owning a gun. 

By the way, I dislike guns.  I don't really believe they are necessary.  I believe we need stricter gun laws.  There are too many idiots running around out there with them.  I also do not believe we live in a police state. 

Do you know what is really fucking annoying?

Do you know what is really fucking annoying? 

When someone leaves you the following voicemail:

  "Hey its me, Call me back!"


Ahhhhh, yes I know that it is you.  The caller ID told me so.  Its this invention that came out back in 1995.   It is now standard on most phones.  And chances are, if I know you well enough to know that it IS you based on your voice only,  I have you saved in my contacts.  Therefore, not only does your number but your name and most likely picture pops up when you call.  sigh. 

I just had to waste two minutes of my life listening to annoying voice mail lady, putting in my pin to hear you say "Hey! Its me, call me back!" 

For future reference.  Do not leave me a voice mail unless there is actually something important in it.  And the three of you who this constantly know who you are.  The only reason I even listen to the stupid message is because the little voice mail icon on my phone is annoying.  Also because I leave them there one day, someone will leave an important voice mail.  and I will have to sit through an hour of  "Hey! Its me, call me back!" AT which point my head will melt.

more stuff

The presssure is gettign to me.  I have so much on my plate right now.   And more than half of it revolves around the impression I make on people.  I want to explode.  I swear. 

Other things to add to that. I took this cat in back in December and I need to find her a home but no one wants her.  SIgh

Minnie is still missing.  I want to cry.  I did everything I could to save that cat and it all just backfired on me. 
Rescuing animals has been added to lists of thing I just can't do.   I don't have the mental capacity to detach myself from things. I just can't. 

And last but not least My BIL mother is dying.  He is only 12 and on the autism spectrum.  My heart goes out to him.  I don't know what I can do to help them.

procrastination

Through out my life.  I have been complimented on two things, a lot.  My writing and my selling skills.  However, I am completely unable to sell my self.  I have been writing my resume for 3 days now.  So far I have gotten my name and address down.  I am deadly afraid of this task.  I just don't know how to write it doe. 

I left my last job.  In a not so graceful manner.  Even though I tried but the bitch that I worked for, well lets just say she doesn't know how to leave shit alone.  She didn't just let me quit.  She kept going at it for two hours.  I just can't do that type of shit.  I don't even know if I should include that.

And then well, there is the six years of my life that I spent job less because I was a stay at home mom.  I don't know what to put there.

I mean my writing skills when  I have direction and i am not randomly rambling about gripes in my life, is good.  Or at least it was the last time I attempted it.  I used to write a lot when I was school.  That was accompanied by a lot of reading.  In both english and Spanish.  Other things that helped me a lot was that I have been doing my mothers work presentations since I was, umm 12.  Yeah, thats right me.  She had no secretary or english proficiency.  So I was the one who did them all.  how to put this on a resume.  I don't know. 

I keep staring at the screen,  mind blank.  I stare and I stare and I stare some more.  Well until I decide that I should check pinterest or facebook.  Or Craigslist for another job posting that is going to ask for a resume that I don't have.  So I go back to my Word document and stare some more.  Its an endless cycle. 

I'm going to resume writing my resume.  hahahahahahahaha

Haven't blogged in forever.  I'm going a little nuts right now.  I have submitted a bunch of applications at places.  And even though I it has been my intention all along, I really haven't worked on my resume. 

Everyone who knows what was going on is telling me I made the right decision.  And I frankly, I don't need their approval.  Thats why I quit.  But now I have this overwhelming feeling of doom.  I did it all wrong.  I should've made sure that I had another job.  I was not adult about it.  As an adult, sometimes we  are required to do things we don't like.  I feel like crying.  I don't know, what we are going to do financially.   I want to keep my mind occupied but housework has never been good at keeping my mind from wondering.  I tried reading but after I read the same paragraph fifteen times and kept on derailing.  All I keep thinking is of all the applications and resumes I sent out once upon a time and how I kept on not getting hired.  

I know I'm probably blowing this out of proportion in my head because its so recent.  Or maybe not.  The economy sucks and one of the worse places for job hunting is NYC.   I really don't want to go back to counting pennies.  I mean with me working, we weren't in the greatest financial situation either but it wasn't neccessary for us to have an hour long conversation and fenagling of numbers every time we made a purchase.  ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It'll be ok.  I hope.  I really hope. 

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK

i FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING JOB.  AND ITS NOT THE JOB, ITS NOT MY COLLEAGUES, ITS NOT THE PAY, ITS NOT THE HOURS.  ITS MY BOSS. STUPID LITTLE BITCH WITH A HUGE NAPOLEON COMPLEX.  I FUCKING HATE HER.

Trying this blogger app.

Truth is

Only, I could manage to fuck mu leg this way by simply taking a step.  I have kind of gone from pitty party to just plain fucking anger at this point.  I can't believe I'm walking with a fucking cane.  I can't believe I have to sit around for most of the day if I don't want to cry.  I mean come on.  I am not an 85 year old lady, a professional athlete or 500 lbs or anything else where it would be completely normal for me to be in this condition.  I was not in a car accident.  I didn't fall! WTF?   There is nothing I hate more than having to depend on simple tasks and I really wish I could just snap my fingers and make this go away.  I want it to look like I have made the whole fucking thing up.  I just want to go back to normal.  I wish I was better writer.  I could probably make this into some book. or a movie or something.  This really whole thing  just sounds like it came out of some dark slap stick comedy.  I mean really wtf else could possibly happen to me now? I type that with fear.  That is a rhetorical question to God.  I don't really want it answered.   I don't want to know.  I just want to go back to normal.  

I'm totally having a why me moment. I can't take this. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I don't understand why this is happening to me. I just want to go on with my normal life. I don't want to be in pain.

I'm totally having a why me moment. I can't take this. What the fuck did I do to deserve this?

well hello there non readers

So I started doing Fly Lady again.  I figured this time will be the charm.  Things I have learned about it this time around.  I really am not as disorganized as I thought.   While my house looked like a giant mess a good portion of the time, at least to me.  It never really was that bad though.  I am tooting my own horn only because I am on day 7 and my house is practically spotless.  Now I am just fighting the procrastinator in me.  The house really isn't bad at all so there is no need for me to do anything right now.  I'll just wait till it gets messy.  That is the one thought that usually messes me up. My dumb need to feel so overwhelmed with what I'm doing in order for me to be worth doing at all.  Does it make it sense?  No.  It doesn't.  AT ALL!  Why would anyone do this to themselves?  Yet, I always play the same game.  sigh

I want a laptop or tablet or something.  Usually by the time I have five seconds to sit at the computer I am just to tired to sit on that uncomfortable  chair.  I want to be able to just sit in my bed comfortable and relaxed.  Not on a hard chair.  I keep avoiding the internet because of it.  And I keep wondering how it was that I used to sit here for so long all day.  It makes no sense to me. 

I did something to my knees last week.  Well my left one.  I still don't know what.  All I know is that it has been hurting me a lot.  I haven't been able to walk right since last Wednesday.  So the added stress has messed up my shin, my calf, my thigh and my foot.  As well as messing up my right knee.  Now don't get me wrong, I have had knee pain for years.  They have been bothering me since I was about 9 but nothing like this.  Usually, I just deal with if but if they become real bad I take some Motrin which takes the edge off.  UMMMM, my doctor has recommended against that and all other joint pain meds for the time being.   All the ant-inflammitory (sp?)pain meds fall under a drug classification of NSAIDs.  They are known for causing attacks.  And being that I just got out of the 3 day hospital stay for inability to breath , my DR. felt it was in my best interest to take  some tylenol and just take it easy.  Knee pain is better than not being able to breath or something.  I'm just scared of what this pain is going to become when I'm completely off the steroids.  If steroids is what they give a lot of people for knee problems and I am this bad.   What the fuck is going to happen to me by the end of this week?  I can barely walk as it is?  Kill me. 

Alright I have to get moving and try and sort some laundry.  I am seriously procrastinating it though.  Last time I tried sorting laundry I had to go to the hospital.  hahahahahahaha I need a maid. 

woohoo!!!

I successfully managed to walk both dogs this morning without going back to the hospital.  :)  It was seperately but I did it.  You will only know what an difficult task this is if you walk my Dog Aza one day.  She is terrified of everything.  Everything on the planet earth that exist outside of my apartment.  More than half the time walking her can be torture because she goes into panic mode and we have no way of getting her out of it.  I am the only one who  is able to keep her the calmest and that isn't bery calm at all.  Luckily I'm not wheezing.  :D  Maybe life will get back to normal now.

Stupid steroids

The stupid steroids and the lack of productivity had me crying over tacos tonight. Also the whole world feels like its crashing in on me. Thankfully tomorrow I will be down to four pills. Also I'm going to try and clean the house because if I keep being unproductive I might kill someone.

Everything I have read about skin tones suggEst that I am either a warm or a neutral, sonwhybis it that gold and bronzy colors always make me look like as pale as a ghost?

Rememeber...

Remember when I used to make fun of the impotence commercials because of the disclaimer that said "you should only take this,if you are healthh enough for sexual activity.". Remember how i said it was impossible to not be healthy enough.....sigh

Excuse my typos. Typing from touch phone. Toucbphone seems to multiply my typos by a thousand.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I haven't blogged in a while.  I have been really busy over the past few months and usually when I finally have some free time, all I want to do is lay in my  bed.  Not sit on a computer chair. So I end up doing facebook and words with friends from my phone and that is it. 

Today, however, the last thing I want to do is lay in bed. It sounds like freaking torture to me.  I just don't wanna.   That is all I have been doing since this week started.  Which is crazy.  I am not the most active person out there but I am definitely not the type of person who just sits there.  I can't.  Except there are days that I am unbelievably busy and going non-stop, where I secretely wish I could be whisked away for a couple of days where all I would do is lay in bed and watch tv and read books.  Be careful what you wish for.

Husband caught a cold last week and brough it home.  I caught the stupid bug from him, but unlike him instead of being over in two days.  I caught an asthma attack instead.  Sunday I mainly stayed home laying in bed sleeping. I went out to the fair with the husband and daughter so we could have some zeppoles and she could go on the ferris wheel.  big mistake! All the smoke from the stands hit my lungs.  I kept wheezing despite using my inhaler and the nebulizer .  I kept going doing what I had to do anyways because I had shit to do and it had to get done.  The wheezing continued.  Tuesday I go up and I was unable to take Bella to school.  I just couldn't breathe.  I made an appointment for the doctor.  And my dr gave me some prescriptions but he said he wanted me to go into the hospital because it looked like i was too tired to breathe.  I decided to just go home.  I didn't want to go to the hospital at all.  I went home.  next morning I called my mother and asked her to come over and help me out a little.  She was all mad at me but came anyways.  by 3PM.  My lungs started shutting down.  The medicine wasn't helping me.  My mother calleed 911 at about a quarter to 4.  They rushed me to the hospital.  I was there for two days.  It sucked. 

I'm still not ok.  My dr was mad taht they had discharged me.  he thinks I'm still not well enough and put me on some really strong meds.    This whole week has sucked. 

I can't even think of anything else to type now because I am so tired again.  stupid lack of oxygen,.  booooo!!!!!!

OH EM GEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The new battle in feminism is defending your right to stay home and be a housewife.  Seriously.  I swear if one more person congratulates me for getting  a job or tells me how proud they are of me, I am going to fucking punch someone in the face.  Well its not the congratulating part that bothers me.  Its the way they say it.  The tone in their voice, as though I am finally doing something with myself,.  You would think that I had been living in my parents basement getting drunk and high for the last six years.  The fact that I was cooking, cleaning, taking care of dogs, cats and a child had while keeping my man happy apparently took less effort than scratching my ass.   Its nothing, nothing at all.  Why the fuck do I need to be congratulated for leaving my house and working for someone else?  Its something some 70% of the planet does.  Its not that special.  I'm not downplaying how hard everyone else works or even how hard I work.  Its just that the fact that I started working should not be treated as some kind of special event. As though, I had some kind of mental disability that prevented me from doing things and someone finally took pity on me and decided to hire me.  Chill the fuck out people!  Its not that big a deal and if I decided to quit my job and go back to being a stay at home mom again, it would totally be ok.  There is nothing wrong with that. I shouldn't have to defend that option.  ahhhhhhhhhhh

stuff

I've been meaning to post for a while but I just can't seem to find the time.  lol  We had the official grand opening event for my job yesterday.  Which meant I had to go in extra to work like practically everyday over the past two weeks.  I am so glad it is over.  I never realized how much I like being home.  I do.   I love it.  I used to always want to go out and do something.  Now I just crave to have some time to just sit in my house and do nothing.  Which never happens.  I've been having so much coffee lately I can't sleep.  So I have been having a beer practically every night to try and get me sleepy.  Which I pretty much gulp down in ten seconds.  I have to cut down on the coffee habit before the beer drinking becomes a habit. 

Things have changed a little bit.  I no longer talking to one of the women I posted about in the post before.  She was pretty much the biggest shit talker of one of the two friends.   Because all that tension built up.  I actually ended up talking to lets call her friend #2.  Well a lot came out in that conversation.  It turns out that friend #1 was feeding us both the same lines and was shit talking about us the exact same things.  We just had never really gotten down to talk about it.  Well because I am trying to cut people off.  So the one time I don't stop it.  I find out a lot of stuff.  So friend #1 is not a friend anymore because when she noticed that we had both changed and started cutting her off her crap she got all defensive and started acting like she was the one who had something to be offended about.  I really hate two faced manipulative people.

Husband got his motorcycle license but then his bike crapped out on him.  So now we have to put more money into it to get it running.  Although apparently he is a natural as was told to me by two other people who ride.  I guess that makes me feel a little better. 

I don't know what else to write about.  My brain is fried.  I am unbelievably tired. We had a bbq today and husbands grandmother came.  Which meant I had to be up really early this morning and try and make my house look decent for her.  I still don't know how I did it.

and this is why I never really had female friends

ugh.  I hate cattiness.  I'm a listener. I do talk a LOT but half the time I find myself listening to other people.   I have two friends.  They are supposed to looooooooove each other.  They are really goooooood friends but every time there happens to be one missing out of the trio, they choose to bad mouth each other to me.  I can't fucking stand that shit.  I really try to cut them off when they start because I can't stand it.  They still manage to talk crap even though I'm steering away the conversation.  That to me is not true friendship.  I can only imagine the type of shit that they are saying whenever I'm not around.  ugh.  I want to cut them out of my life completely but we all live in the same building.  AND each of them watch daughter  two days out of the week while  I am working.  If I want to move out of here I need to keep my job.  I feel like I'm stuck in a hole because if I have to start paying for childcare, I might as well just quit my job because between that and carfare.  I'll be making a total of $15 profit.  They are nice people or so I thought.  ugh.  Can't fucking stand that.  I can't, I can't, I can't.  If you love each other so much why are talking shit about each other.  SHUT THE FUCK UP!  I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I haven't been annoyed by one of them at some point and vented to the other one.  But this happens on a very rare occasion.  Usually I just keep shit to myself  or I tell my husband.  I definitely do not drag shit on for days and I do not make it a point to talk about them every time one of them has not been around.  This has been happening for the last month.  I thought they were nice people and I like hanging out with them.  I like having friends.  Why did they have to start talking shit.  Fuck! I hate women.  If only my husband didn't get all annoyed when I make guy friends. 

Tried a new shade of blue today.  Yes, I have been playing with the blue make up I dislike.  I'm determined to make it work one way or another. hahahahahahahaha  I will find some way to not make myself look a zombie with the blue eyeshadow.  :)  I took pictures but Daughter damaged the cable that connects the camera to my computer so I guess I won't be uploading pictures for some time. 

Have I mentioned that I am scared to death that Husband  is taking a motorcycle course starting today?  Up until now it was just a pipe dream by the end of this week he will have his motorcycle license.  I'm shitting my fucking pants.  I want my husband alive.  I have seen so many fucking motorcycle accidents in my life it fucking scares the hell out of me.  Lets hope he doesn't kill himself. He also wants me to get on that thing behind him and I have ridden a motorcycle before, buuuut, I was 19, childless and not sober half the time.  Things have changed.  I have changed.  I no longer believe I am invincible.  I don't think I will be riding that thing...like...ever.  No way jose.