Trying this blogger app.

Truth is

Only, I could manage to fuck mu leg this way by simply taking a step.  I have kind of gone from pitty party to just plain fucking anger at this point.  I can't believe I'm walking with a fucking cane.  I can't believe I have to sit around for most of the day if I don't want to cry.  I mean come on.  I am not an 85 year old lady, a professional athlete or 500 lbs or anything else where it would be completely normal for me to be in this condition.  I was not in a car accident.  I didn't fall! WTF?   There is nothing I hate more than having to depend on simple tasks and I really wish I could just snap my fingers and make this go away.  I want it to look like I have made the whole fucking thing up.  I just want to go back to normal.  I wish I was better writer.  I could probably make this into some book. or a movie or something.  This really whole thing  just sounds like it came out of some dark slap stick comedy.  I mean really wtf else could possibly happen to me now? I type that with fear.  That is a rhetorical question to God.  I don't really want it answered.   I don't want to know.  I just want to go back to normal.  

I'm totally having a why me moment. I can't take this. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I don't understand why this is happening to me. I just want to go on with my normal life. I don't want to be in pain.

I'm totally having a why me moment. I can't take this. What the fuck did I do to deserve this?

well hello there non readers

So I started doing Fly Lady again.  I figured this time will be the charm.  Things I have learned about it this time around.  I really am not as disorganized as I thought.   While my house looked like a giant mess a good portion of the time, at least to me.  It never really was that bad though.  I am tooting my own horn only because I am on day 7 and my house is practically spotless.  Now I am just fighting the procrastinator in me.  The house really isn't bad at all so there is no need for me to do anything right now.  I'll just wait till it gets messy.  That is the one thought that usually messes me up. My dumb need to feel so overwhelmed with what I'm doing in order for me to be worth doing at all.  Does it make it sense?  No.  It doesn't.  AT ALL!  Why would anyone do this to themselves?  Yet, I always play the same game.  sigh

I want a laptop or tablet or something.  Usually by the time I have five seconds to sit at the computer I am just to tired to sit on that uncomfortable  chair.  I want to be able to just sit in my bed comfortable and relaxed.  Not on a hard chair.  I keep avoiding the internet because of it.  And I keep wondering how it was that I used to sit here for so long all day.  It makes no sense to me. 

I did something to my knees last week.  Well my left one.  I still don't know what.  All I know is that it has been hurting me a lot.  I haven't been able to walk right since last Wednesday.  So the added stress has messed up my shin, my calf, my thigh and my foot.  As well as messing up my right knee.  Now don't get me wrong, I have had knee pain for years.  They have been bothering me since I was about 9 but nothing like this.  Usually, I just deal with if but if they become real bad I take some Motrin which takes the edge off.  UMMMM, my doctor has recommended against that and all other joint pain meds for the time being.   All the ant-inflammitory (sp?)pain meds fall under a drug classification of NSAIDs.  They are known for causing attacks.  And being that I just got out of the 3 day hospital stay for inability to breath , my DR. felt it was in my best interest to take  some tylenol and just take it easy.  Knee pain is better than not being able to breath or something.  I'm just scared of what this pain is going to become when I'm completely off the steroids.  If steroids is what they give a lot of people for knee problems and I am this bad.   What the fuck is going to happen to me by the end of this week?  I can barely walk as it is?  Kill me. 

Alright I have to get moving and try and sort some laundry.  I am seriously procrastinating it though.  Last time I tried sorting laundry I had to go to the hospital.  hahahahahahaha I need a maid. 

woohoo!!!

I successfully managed to walk both dogs this morning without going back to the hospital.  :)  It was seperately but I did it.  You will only know what an difficult task this is if you walk my Dog Aza one day.  She is terrified of everything.  Everything on the planet earth that exist outside of my apartment.  More than half the time walking her can be torture because she goes into panic mode and we have no way of getting her out of it.  I am the only one who  is able to keep her the calmest and that isn't bery calm at all.  Luckily I'm not wheezing.  :D  Maybe life will get back to normal now.

Stupid steroids

The stupid steroids and the lack of productivity had me crying over tacos tonight. Also the whole world feels like its crashing in on me. Thankfully tomorrow I will be down to four pills. Also I'm going to try and clean the house because if I keep being unproductive I might kill someone.

Everything I have read about skin tones suggEst that I am either a warm or a neutral, sonwhybis it that gold and bronzy colors always make me look like as pale as a ghost?

Rememeber...

Remember when I used to make fun of the impotence commercials because of the disclaimer that said "you should only take this,if you are healthh enough for sexual activity.". Remember how i said it was impossible to not be healthy enough.....sigh

Excuse my typos. Typing from touch phone. Toucbphone seems to multiply my typos by a thousand.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I haven't blogged in a while.  I have been really busy over the past few months and usually when I finally have some free time, all I want to do is lay in my  bed.  Not sit on a computer chair. So I end up doing facebook and words with friends from my phone and that is it. 

Today, however, the last thing I want to do is lay in bed. It sounds like freaking torture to me.  I just don't wanna.   That is all I have been doing since this week started.  Which is crazy.  I am not the most active person out there but I am definitely not the type of person who just sits there.  I can't.  Except there are days that I am unbelievably busy and going non-stop, where I secretely wish I could be whisked away for a couple of days where all I would do is lay in bed and watch tv and read books.  Be careful what you wish for.

Husband caught a cold last week and brough it home.  I caught the stupid bug from him, but unlike him instead of being over in two days.  I caught an asthma attack instead.  Sunday I mainly stayed home laying in bed sleeping. I went out to the fair with the husband and daughter so we could have some zeppoles and she could go on the ferris wheel.  big mistake! All the smoke from the stands hit my lungs.  I kept wheezing despite using my inhaler and the nebulizer .  I kept going doing what I had to do anyways because I had shit to do and it had to get done.  The wheezing continued.  Tuesday I go up and I was unable to take Bella to school.  I just couldn't breathe.  I made an appointment for the doctor.  And my dr gave me some prescriptions but he said he wanted me to go into the hospital because it looked like i was too tired to breathe.  I decided to just go home.  I didn't want to go to the hospital at all.  I went home.  next morning I called my mother and asked her to come over and help me out a little.  She was all mad at me but came anyways.  by 3PM.  My lungs started shutting down.  The medicine wasn't helping me.  My mother calleed 911 at about a quarter to 4.  They rushed me to the hospital.  I was there for two days.  It sucked. 

I'm still not ok.  My dr was mad taht they had discharged me.  he thinks I'm still not well enough and put me on some really strong meds.    This whole week has sucked. 

I can't even think of anything else to type now because I am so tired again.  stupid lack of oxygen,.  booooo!!!!!!

OH EM GEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The new battle in feminism is defending your right to stay home and be a housewife.  Seriously.  I swear if one more person congratulates me for getting  a job or tells me how proud they are of me, I am going to fucking punch someone in the face.  Well its not the congratulating part that bothers me.  Its the way they say it.  The tone in their voice, as though I am finally doing something with myself,.  You would think that I had been living in my parents basement getting drunk and high for the last six years.  The fact that I was cooking, cleaning, taking care of dogs, cats and a child had while keeping my man happy apparently took less effort than scratching my ass.   Its nothing, nothing at all.  Why the fuck do I need to be congratulated for leaving my house and working for someone else?  Its something some 70% of the planet does.  Its not that special.  I'm not downplaying how hard everyone else works or even how hard I work.  Its just that the fact that I started working should not be treated as some kind of special event. As though, I had some kind of mental disability that prevented me from doing things and someone finally took pity on me and decided to hire me.  Chill the fuck out people!  Its not that big a deal and if I decided to quit my job and go back to being a stay at home mom again, it would totally be ok.  There is nothing wrong with that. I shouldn't have to defend that option.  ahhhhhhhhhhh

stuff

I've been meaning to post for a while but I just can't seem to find the time.  lol  We had the official grand opening event for my job yesterday.  Which meant I had to go in extra to work like practically everyday over the past two weeks.  I am so glad it is over.  I never realized how much I like being home.  I do.   I love it.  I used to always want to go out and do something.  Now I just crave to have some time to just sit in my house and do nothing.  Which never happens.  I've been having so much coffee lately I can't sleep.  So I have been having a beer practically every night to try and get me sleepy.  Which I pretty much gulp down in ten seconds.  I have to cut down on the coffee habit before the beer drinking becomes a habit. 

Things have changed a little bit.  I no longer talking to one of the women I posted about in the post before.  She was pretty much the biggest shit talker of one of the two friends.   Because all that tension built up.  I actually ended up talking to lets call her friend #2.  Well a lot came out in that conversation.  It turns out that friend #1 was feeding us both the same lines and was shit talking about us the exact same things.  We just had never really gotten down to talk about it.  Well because I am trying to cut people off.  So the one time I don't stop it.  I find out a lot of stuff.  So friend #1 is not a friend anymore because when she noticed that we had both changed and started cutting her off her crap she got all defensive and started acting like she was the one who had something to be offended about.  I really hate two faced manipulative people.

Husband got his motorcycle license but then his bike crapped out on him.  So now we have to put more money into it to get it running.  Although apparently he is a natural as was told to me by two other people who ride.  I guess that makes me feel a little better. 

I don't know what else to write about.  My brain is fried.  I am unbelievably tired. We had a bbq today and husbands grandmother came.  Which meant I had to be up really early this morning and try and make my house look decent for her.  I still don't know how I did it.

and this is why I never really had female friends

ugh.  I hate cattiness.  I'm a listener. I do talk a LOT but half the time I find myself listening to other people.   I have two friends.  They are supposed to looooooooove each other.  They are really goooooood friends but every time there happens to be one missing out of the trio, they choose to bad mouth each other to me.  I can't fucking stand that shit.  I really try to cut them off when they start because I can't stand it.  They still manage to talk crap even though I'm steering away the conversation.  That to me is not true friendship.  I can only imagine the type of shit that they are saying whenever I'm not around.  ugh.  I want to cut them out of my life completely but we all live in the same building.  AND each of them watch daughter  two days out of the week while  I am working.  If I want to move out of here I need to keep my job.  I feel like I'm stuck in a hole because if I have to start paying for childcare, I might as well just quit my job because between that and carfare.  I'll be making a total of $15 profit.  They are nice people or so I thought.  ugh.  Can't fucking stand that.  I can't, I can't, I can't.  If you love each other so much why are talking shit about each other.  SHUT THE FUCK UP!  I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I haven't been annoyed by one of them at some point and vented to the other one.  But this happens on a very rare occasion.  Usually I just keep shit to myself  or I tell my husband.  I definitely do not drag shit on for days and I do not make it a point to talk about them every time one of them has not been around.  This has been happening for the last month.  I thought they were nice people and I like hanging out with them.  I like having friends.  Why did they have to start talking shit.  Fuck! I hate women.  If only my husband didn't get all annoyed when I make guy friends. 

Tried a new shade of blue today.  Yes, I have been playing with the blue make up I dislike.  I'm determined to make it work one way or another. hahahahahahahaha  I will find some way to not make myself look a zombie with the blue eyeshadow.  :)  I took pictures but Daughter damaged the cable that connects the camera to my computer so I guess I won't be uploading pictures for some time. 

Have I mentioned that I am scared to death that Husband  is taking a motorcycle course starting today?  Up until now it was just a pipe dream by the end of this week he will have his motorcycle license.  I'm shitting my fucking pants.  I want my husband alive.  I have seen so many fucking motorcycle accidents in my life it fucking scares the hell out of me.  Lets hope he doesn't kill himself. He also wants me to get on that thing behind him and I have ridden a motorcycle before, buuuut, I was 19, childless and not sober half the time.  Things have changed.  I have changed.  I no longer believe I am invincible.  I don't think I will be riding that thing...like...ever.  No way jose. 

I typed this up a few days ago and blogger wasn't working.

So I have been sitting here nearly everyday and started typing up blogs but then I get distracted by the husband, the cat, the child, or one of my four pets.  Even my neighbors.  I come back and I have completely lost my train of though and what I originally wanted to type up.  I'm starting to believe I suffer from short term memory loss.  I just don't know how else to explain it.  How can I forget shit that quickly?

I also don't have much to say.  I wish I led a really exciting life so I would have interesting stuff to say.  I have nothing.  I wake up at 7am Monday-Friday.  I take daughter to school.  come back, walk the dogs, have coffee with my neighbor and then I come inside to do housework.  Three days out of the week I actually run to work.  So those days I cook instead of cleaning.  Tuesdays and Fridays I only see Daughter for the 40 minutes that she is getting ready to go to school and the 20 minutes before bedtime when I come back from work.  I feel really guilty about that.    The other three days we are playing outside or running errands.  Saturday I still have to be up at 7AM to get to work on time and I don't come home till about 4:30.  When I come home I'm exausted but I still have to run errands and interact with daughter and husband.  Sundays its family day so even though I get to stay in bed for an hour or two longer.  I am still terribly exhausted all day.  I started taking some vitamin B supplement to help with energy but its not working. I actually feel more tired.  just my luck hahahahahaha

It tried a new make up look today.  Blue.   I normally hate blue eyeshadow.  Its a color that is very hard to pull off and half the people who attempt it look like clowns, but about a month ago just about all of the make up gurus on youtube decided that they were going to do a tutorial on bright blue eyeshadow.  So this morning I just said fuck it.  I'm going to try it.  What do I have to loose?  Its funny because when you look at all my make up palette every single color has been tried at least once.  None of the four shades of blue I have, have been touched.  LOL

I'm still not a big fan of blue. It just doesn't look right on me. I might play around with it a little more see if I can make it work. If I can't well umm whatevers. LOL

I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut!  Sometimes I forget that some people are not really my friends.  and venting is not an option.  I can see the fucking drama coming. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM GOING INSANE!  Soooooooo, I have been bleeding since Monday April 25th.  It started as light brown spotting that I only notice when I wiped.  Then Tuesday April 27th it became more noticeable.  I had to put on panty liners and it pretty much remained that way until Saturday April 30th when it turned into bright red bleeding that requires a pad.  I started having cramping on Friday April 29th.   My period is not due till this Saturday May 7th.  Sometimes my period comes early meaning it would've been due today.  I took a pregnancy on Saturday 4/30.  Due to my bleeding and me being sick I haven't had sex since Tuesday the 19th. 

My stupid GYN was a bitch when I called her earlier and totally dismissed everything I was saying.  I'm done with her.   My friend recommended on and she was on vacation.  She recommended another one.  That one was not taking new patients.  My other friend recommended someone who was also not in.  My other friends Dr.  Is one in LI that I will never be able to get to because I don't have a car.  My insurance will not cover well woman care with a homebirth midwife which is what another friend recommended.  I am going insane.  I just want some answers  and I was somewhat ok with the bleeding until all this gyn crap started to happen so now I'm sorry I called because now I am stressed out.  My stress level went through the fucking roof after that.  And then like the fucking idiot that I am I actually went and fucking googled.  which is always a BAD idea.  ALWAYS!  

I hate this!  I have to try and look up people online now and see if I can find an obgyn which I don't like because to me it really is the equivalent to opening up the yellow pages.  bleh. 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hate bra shopping.  I love my boobs but every time its time to find a bra I want to kill people.  Its not fair that I can't find anything pretty cheaper than $50 in my size.  If I was just one cup size smaller I would have so many more options.  sigh.  NOT FUCKING FAIR!    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

title

I made some kick ass steaks today.  :)  I just had to share that. 

I hate humidity and the bad hair it gives me.  I have been trying to find a hair product that will tame my frizziness but that is hard on the budget that I am.  I fucking hate it.  I really wish this were 1985 so that my hair would be beautiful.  Of course with my luck that would mean that my hair would be straight and unfrizzy.

I hate my job.  Have I mentioned that?  But.... It has done wonders for my bedroom life.  Apparently when I get really stressed out.  I get very turned on.  I am so angry when I leave my job that the first thing I do when I come home is jump my husbands bones.   Yep!  And not once but a few times.  I just can't get enough.  I guess working at that place is a good thing.  lol

You know what else I hate?  People who only call you when they need something.  That is so fucking annoying.

Something really weird that happens to me is that I get stared at a lot when I'm out and about by myself.  I have really noticed it now that I'm commuting regularly by myself.  It doesn't happen much when I'm out with Anthony.  But if I'm by myself, well I have several people walk into poles because they are too busy staring at me.  You'd think that I was on tv or something and its both men and women.  It creeps me out.  Stop staring at me people.  Funny thing is I don't remember this happening so much when I was younger and hotter.  But now it happens ALL THE TIME!

I gotta go my dog is doing the peepee dance. 

I never know what to title these things.

I don't think I am cut out to be a working mom.  I know this is a period of adjustment for everyone but I have only worked four days and I feel like I've had my toll.  My house is a mess.  Daughter is having meltdowns. Husband and I seem to not be spending much time together because we seem to be spending so much time catching up on stuff during the week.  The sad thing is I'm only working three days a week.  Its part time.  Why is it so hard?  I definitly need to work on time management because if it keeps going this way its not going to work.  Have I mentioned how much I hate my boss?  She is driving met nuts.  I guess because we have known each other for so long she lets me see sides of her personality that she wouldn't let other employees see.  This also why its so hard for me to adjust to working.  I get home really stressed out even if I have done nothing just from dealing with her. 

So which one of my two readers would like to suggest some fiction books for me to read on the bus ride.  I think the reason I find it to be so miserable is because I have nothing to entertain me.  The people on the bus usually hate me because I am always blasting some type of metal on my ipod.  Which keeps people from sitting next to me.  YES!  There is no way I'm lowering the volume if it keeps people away from me.  hahahaha.  I really think there should be a smell-o-meter on the door of every bus and subway station because umm ewwwwww.  How the fuck do you think it is ok for you to go out in public if you smell like you haven't taken a shower in weeks?  By the way all that bling isn't taking the smell away.  ugh. yuck.  Nothing like being in confined space with someone who stinks for 30 minutes.  yuck.  I can't wait till we save up enough money for us to buy a small car.  Can't wait. 

Something I realized yesterday.  I loooooooove to play with make up.  And I'm constantly playing around with colors and practicing for that one day that never comes when we go out and do something fun as adults.  hahahahahahaha  You know what I haven't practiced NEUTRALS!  I was trying to do my make up for work and I stared at the neutral palette for a while and of course my attention was caught by the darkest browns. LOL.  So this week I will be playing around with the neutral palette and maybe I will have a neutral look for Friday. 

blah, blah, blah....blah, blah

After my experiences this week, I have decided that I don't care how broke I am, I wouldn't trade any of the decisions that I have made (even the bad ones) for all of the money in the world.  I have been talking to a friend from high school lately.  She is opening up her own business and offered me a job there.  Speaking to her on regular basis has reminded me of why she is not on my roster of closest friends.  At first I was a little jealous of her because she has been able to save up a bunch of money and is now able to invest a large sum of money in a new business.  But the more I talk to her, the more I feel sorry for her.  She has lived such a sheltered life she lacks a lot of common sense.  She is very naive and still kind of stuck in high school.  I rather be broke than be sooo naive.  Her naiveness is driving me crazy.  Tuesday was my first day working again and at the end of the day I was surprised that I had lasted 7 hours in a room with her and she made it out alive.

I have gone back to work.  So far, I have worked only two days but I'm already seeing how this is impacting my schedule.  Whats making it even harder is that husband has also been doing a lot of overtime.  Its been quite an adjustment.  Daughter is having a hard time.  She is so used to having me around all the time.  It seems to be breaking her.  She is misbehaving quite a bit.  This morning was the worst.  I am so not proud of the way I acted this morning.   I hate it.  I feel crappy.  I tried to make it up this afternoon but I don't feel I quite made up for the way I yelled at her.  I hope tomorrow morning goes better. 

You know something I hate, people who mutter when they talk.  SPEAK UP!  I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU!

I need girlfriends

more like a good token flamboyant gay friend.  Yep.   I went clothes shopping today.  I hate that when I ask my husband or my daughter "How do I look?"  The response I get is you look beautiful no matter what.  umm what?  No I don't.  I know you are lying.  I don't look beautiful and attractive all the time.  I wish I did but umm who are we kidding that is not true.  I tried on a few things.  Some of them fit, some didn't. I had to trust my best judgment.  Since not only am I beautiful all the time.   but that is not the worst part.  Husband did nothing but rush me.  It was Saturday stores were crowded.  Daughter  insisted on being next to me the entire time, had to pee a thousand times and was apparently starving as though she hadn't eaten in the past 3 months.  There is nothing I hate more than being rushed when I'm clothes shopping.  That is how I end up with something that I hate and I have to go return.   If I had girlfriends to shop with this wouldn't be an issue.  Or maybe if I hadn't stupidly lost my debit card last week,  husband wouldn't have so generously offered to come shopping with me.  I think next time I'll risk taking a big wad of cash. 

 Husband says I have changed.  Apparently I was more down to earth when we first met and now I am some kind of superficial valley girl who is only interested in looks. I wish I could explain to him that its quite the opposite.  I haven't changed.  I have just gone back to being me.  I'm not superficial at all, I just really happen to care about how I look.   I want to feel good when I walk down the street.  If I don't feel good walking down the street I loose my confidence. Which is actually what happened to me when I had daughter.   My body changed.  I didn't know how to dress it anymore.  I was so unhappy with my belly I used to wear clothes 3 sizes bigger.  I was convinced I was a FAT.  Then I started birth control and really became fat.  Gained about 35 lbs and I couldn't loose them.  I gave up.  I didn't care anymore.  I became a cautionary tale that desperately needed the help of one of those makeover shows on tv.  It was sad. 

Last year I lost the weight and I have kept it off.  Wohoo!  My body is never going to be what it used to be but now I don't hate it.   And with this new love of my body my old self came back.   I care about how I look.   I do my make up.   I want clothes to fit me right.  Aside from when I drag myself to drop daughter off at school at a quarter to 8.  I never leave the house looking crappy, although if you ask husband I look beautiful  first thing in the morning so who knows maybe I always leave the house looking fabulous. 

Trying this for the millionth time

I miss blogging but keeping up a blog is hard work. LOL  Hopefully this time I won't give up and delete it.