procrastination

Through out my life.  I have been complimented on two things, a lot.  My writing and my selling skills.  However, I am completely unable to sell my self.  I have been writing my resume for 3 days now.  So far I have gotten my name and address down.  I am deadly afraid of this task.  I just don't know how to write it doe. 

I left my last job.  In a not so graceful manner.  Even though I tried but the bitch that I worked for, well lets just say she doesn't know how to leave shit alone.  She didn't just let me quit.  She kept going at it for two hours.  I just can't do that type of shit.  I don't even know if I should include that.

And then well, there is the six years of my life that I spent job less because I was a stay at home mom.  I don't know what to put there.

I mean my writing skills when  I have direction and i am not randomly rambling about gripes in my life, is good.  Or at least it was the last time I attempted it.  I used to write a lot when I was school.  That was accompanied by a lot of reading.  In both english and Spanish.  Other things that helped me a lot was that I have been doing my mothers work presentations since I was, umm 12.  Yeah, thats right me.  She had no secretary or english proficiency.  So I was the one who did them all.  how to put this on a resume.  I don't know. 

I keep staring at the screen,  mind blank.  I stare and I stare and I stare some more.  Well until I decide that I should check pinterest or facebook.  Or Craigslist for another job posting that is going to ask for a resume that I don't have.  So I go back to my Word document and stare some more.  Its an endless cycle. 

I'm going to resume writing my resume.  hahahahahahahaha

Haven't blogged in forever.  I'm going a little nuts right now.  I have submitted a bunch of applications at places.  And even though I it has been my intention all along, I really haven't worked on my resume. 

Everyone who knows what was going on is telling me I made the right decision.  And I frankly, I don't need their approval.  Thats why I quit.  But now I have this overwhelming feeling of doom.  I did it all wrong.  I should've made sure that I had another job.  I was not adult about it.  As an adult, sometimes we  are required to do things we don't like.  I feel like crying.  I don't know, what we are going to do financially.   I want to keep my mind occupied but housework has never been good at keeping my mind from wondering.  I tried reading but after I read the same paragraph fifteen times and kept on derailing.  All I keep thinking is of all the applications and resumes I sent out once upon a time and how I kept on not getting hired.  

I know I'm probably blowing this out of proportion in my head because its so recent.  Or maybe not.  The economy sucks and one of the worse places for job hunting is NYC.   I really don't want to go back to counting pennies.  I mean with me working, we weren't in the greatest financial situation either but it wasn't neccessary for us to have an hour long conversation and fenagling of numbers every time we made a purchase.  ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It'll be ok.  I hope.  I really hope. 

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK

i FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING JOB.  AND ITS NOT THE JOB, ITS NOT MY COLLEAGUES, ITS NOT THE PAY, ITS NOT THE HOURS.  ITS MY BOSS. STUPID LITTLE BITCH WITH A HUGE NAPOLEON COMPLEX.  I FUCKING HATE HER.

Trying this blogger app.

Truth is

Only, I could manage to fuck mu leg this way by simply taking a step.  I have kind of gone from pitty party to just plain fucking anger at this point.  I can't believe I'm walking with a fucking cane.  I can't believe I have to sit around for most of the day if I don't want to cry.  I mean come on.  I am not an 85 year old lady, a professional athlete or 500 lbs or anything else where it would be completely normal for me to be in this condition.  I was not in a car accident.  I didn't fall! WTF?   There is nothing I hate more than having to depend on simple tasks and I really wish I could just snap my fingers and make this go away.  I want it to look like I have made the whole fucking thing up.  I just want to go back to normal.  I wish I was better writer.  I could probably make this into some book. or a movie or something.  This really whole thing  just sounds like it came out of some dark slap stick comedy.  I mean really wtf else could possibly happen to me now? I type that with fear.  That is a rhetorical question to God.  I don't really want it answered.   I don't want to know.  I just want to go back to normal.  

I'm totally having a why me moment. I can't take this. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I don't understand why this is happening to me. I just want to go on with my normal life. I don't want to be in pain.

I'm totally having a why me moment. I can't take this. What the fuck did I do to deserve this?