Haven't blogged in forever.  I'm going a little nuts right now.  I have submitted a bunch of applications at places.  And even though I it has been my intention all along, I really haven't worked on my resume. 

Everyone who knows what was going on is telling me I made the right decision.  And I frankly, I don't need their approval.  Thats why I quit.  But now I have this overwhelming feeling of doom.  I did it all wrong.  I should've made sure that I had another job.  I was not adult about it.  As an adult, sometimes we  are required to do things we don't like.  I feel like crying.  I don't know, what we are going to do financially.   I want to keep my mind occupied but housework has never been good at keeping my mind from wondering.  I tried reading but after I read the same paragraph fifteen times and kept on derailing.  All I keep thinking is of all the applications and resumes I sent out once upon a time and how I kept on not getting hired.  

I know I'm probably blowing this out of proportion in my head because its so recent.  Or maybe not.  The economy sucks and one of the worse places for job hunting is NYC.   I really don't want to go back to counting pennies.  I mean with me working, we weren't in the greatest financial situation either but it wasn't neccessary for us to have an hour long conversation and fenagling of numbers every time we made a purchase.  ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It'll be ok.  I hope.  I really hope. 

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK

i FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING JOB.  AND ITS NOT THE JOB, ITS NOT MY COLLEAGUES, ITS NOT THE PAY, ITS NOT THE HOURS.  ITS MY BOSS. STUPID LITTLE BITCH WITH A HUGE NAPOLEON COMPLEX.  I FUCKING HATE HER.

Trying this blogger app.

Truth is

Only, I could manage to fuck mu leg this way by simply taking a step.  I have kind of gone from pitty party to just plain fucking anger at this point.  I can't believe I'm walking with a fucking cane.  I can't believe I have to sit around for most of the day if I don't want to cry.  I mean come on.  I am not an 85 year old lady, a professional athlete or 500 lbs or anything else where it would be completely normal for me to be in this condition.  I was not in a car accident.  I didn't fall! WTF?   There is nothing I hate more than having to depend on simple tasks and I really wish I could just snap my fingers and make this go away.  I want it to look like I have made the whole fucking thing up.  I just want to go back to normal.  I wish I was better writer.  I could probably make this into some book. or a movie or something.  This really whole thing  just sounds like it came out of some dark slap stick comedy.  I mean really wtf else could possibly happen to me now? I type that with fear.  That is a rhetorical question to God.  I don't really want it answered.   I don't want to know.  I just want to go back to normal.  

I'm totally having a why me moment. I can't take this. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I don't understand why this is happening to me. I just want to go on with my normal life. I don't want to be in pain.

I'm totally having a why me moment. I can't take this. What the fuck did I do to deserve this?

well hello there non readers

So I started doing Fly Lady again.  I figured this time will be the charm.  Things I have learned about it this time around.  I really am not as disorganized as I thought.   While my house looked like a giant mess a good portion of the time, at least to me.  It never really was that bad though.  I am tooting my own horn only because I am on day 7 and my house is practically spotless.  Now I am just fighting the procrastinator in me.  The house really isn't bad at all so there is no need for me to do anything right now.  I'll just wait till it gets messy.  That is the one thought that usually messes me up. My dumb need to feel so overwhelmed with what I'm doing in order for me to be worth doing at all.  Does it make it sense?  No.  It doesn't.  AT ALL!  Why would anyone do this to themselves?  Yet, I always play the same game.  sigh

I want a laptop or tablet or something.  Usually by the time I have five seconds to sit at the computer I am just to tired to sit on that uncomfortable  chair.  I want to be able to just sit in my bed comfortable and relaxed.  Not on a hard chair.  I keep avoiding the internet because of it.  And I keep wondering how it was that I used to sit here for so long all day.  It makes no sense to me. 

I did something to my knees last week.  Well my left one.  I still don't know what.  All I know is that it has been hurting me a lot.  I haven't been able to walk right since last Wednesday.  So the added stress has messed up my shin, my calf, my thigh and my foot.  As well as messing up my right knee.  Now don't get me wrong, I have had knee pain for years.  They have been bothering me since I was about 9 but nothing like this.  Usually, I just deal with if but if they become real bad I take some Motrin which takes the edge off.  UMMMM, my doctor has recommended against that and all other joint pain meds for the time being.   All the ant-inflammitory (sp?)pain meds fall under a drug classification of NSAIDs.  They are known for causing attacks.  And being that I just got out of the 3 day hospital stay for inability to breath , my DR. felt it was in my best interest to take  some tylenol and just take it easy.  Knee pain is better than not being able to breath or something.  I'm just scared of what this pain is going to become when I'm completely off the steroids.  If steroids is what they give a lot of people for knee problems and I am this bad.   What the fuck is going to happen to me by the end of this week?  I can barely walk as it is?  Kill me. 

Alright I have to get moving and try and sort some laundry.  I am seriously procrastinating it though.  Last time I tried sorting laundry I had to go to the hospital.  hahahahahahaha I need a maid.