and this is why I never really had female friends

ugh.  I hate cattiness.  I'm a listener. I do talk a LOT but half the time I find myself listening to other people.   I have two friends.  They are supposed to looooooooove each other.  They are really goooooood friends but every time there happens to be one missing out of the trio, they choose to bad mouth each other to me.  I can't fucking stand that shit.  I really try to cut them off when they start because I can't stand it.  They still manage to talk crap even though I'm steering away the conversation.  That to me is not true friendship.  I can only imagine the type of shit that they are saying whenever I'm not around.  ugh.  I want to cut them out of my life completely but we all live in the same building.  AND each of them watch daughter  two days out of the week while  I am working.  If I want to move out of here I need to keep my job.  I feel like I'm stuck in a hole because if I have to start paying for childcare, I might as well just quit my job because between that and carfare.  I'll be making a total of $15 profit.  They are nice people or so I thought.  ugh.  Can't fucking stand that.  I can't, I can't, I can't.  If you love each other so much why are talking shit about each other.  SHUT THE FUCK UP!  I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I haven't been annoyed by one of them at some point and vented to the other one.  But this happens on a very rare occasion.  Usually I just keep shit to myself  or I tell my husband.  I definitely do not drag shit on for days and I do not make it a point to talk about them every time one of them has not been around.  This has been happening for the last month.  I thought they were nice people and I like hanging out with them.  I like having friends.  Why did they have to start talking shit.  Fuck! I hate women.  If only my husband didn't get all annoyed when I make guy friends. 

Tried a new shade of blue today.  Yes, I have been playing with the blue make up I dislike.  I'm determined to make it work one way or another. hahahahahahahaha  I will find some way to not make myself look a zombie with the blue eyeshadow.  :)  I took pictures but Daughter damaged the cable that connects the camera to my computer so I guess I won't be uploading pictures for some time. 

Have I mentioned that I am scared to death that Husband  is taking a motorcycle course starting today?  Up until now it was just a pipe dream by the end of this week he will have his motorcycle license.  I'm shitting my fucking pants.  I want my husband alive.  I have seen so many fucking motorcycle accidents in my life it fucking scares the hell out of me.  Lets hope he doesn't kill himself. He also wants me to get on that thing behind him and I have ridden a motorcycle before, buuuut, I was 19, childless and not sober half the time.  Things have changed.  I have changed.  I no longer believe I am invincible.  I don't think I will be riding that thing...like...ever.  No way jose. 

I typed this up a few days ago and blogger wasn't working.

So I have been sitting here nearly everyday and started typing up blogs but then I get distracted by the husband, the cat, the child, or one of my four pets.  Even my neighbors.  I come back and I have completely lost my train of though and what I originally wanted to type up.  I'm starting to believe I suffer from short term memory loss.  I just don't know how else to explain it.  How can I forget shit that quickly?

I also don't have much to say.  I wish I led a really exciting life so I would have interesting stuff to say.  I have nothing.  I wake up at 7am Monday-Friday.  I take daughter to school.  come back, walk the dogs, have coffee with my neighbor and then I come inside to do housework.  Three days out of the week I actually run to work.  So those days I cook instead of cleaning.  Tuesdays and Fridays I only see Daughter for the 40 minutes that she is getting ready to go to school and the 20 minutes before bedtime when I come back from work.  I feel really guilty about that.    The other three days we are playing outside or running errands.  Saturday I still have to be up at 7AM to get to work on time and I don't come home till about 4:30.  When I come home I'm exausted but I still have to run errands and interact with daughter and husband.  Sundays its family day so even though I get to stay in bed for an hour or two longer.  I am still terribly exhausted all day.  I started taking some vitamin B supplement to help with energy but its not working. I actually feel more tired.  just my luck hahahahahaha

It tried a new make up look today.  Blue.   I normally hate blue eyeshadow.  Its a color that is very hard to pull off and half the people who attempt it look like clowns, but about a month ago just about all of the make up gurus on youtube decided that they were going to do a tutorial on bright blue eyeshadow.  So this morning I just said fuck it.  I'm going to try it.  What do I have to loose?  Its funny because when you look at all my make up palette every single color has been tried at least once.  None of the four shades of blue I have, have been touched.  LOL

I'm still not a big fan of blue. It just doesn't look right on me. I might play around with it a little more see if I can make it work. If I can't well umm whatevers. LOL

I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut!  Sometimes I forget that some people are not really my friends.  and venting is not an option.  I can see the fucking drama coming. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM GOING INSANE!  Soooooooo, I have been bleeding since Monday April 25th.  It started as light brown spotting that I only notice when I wiped.  Then Tuesday April 27th it became more noticeable.  I had to put on panty liners and it pretty much remained that way until Saturday April 30th when it turned into bright red bleeding that requires a pad.  I started having cramping on Friday April 29th.   My period is not due till this Saturday May 7th.  Sometimes my period comes early meaning it would've been due today.  I took a pregnancy on Saturday 4/30.  Due to my bleeding and me being sick I haven't had sex since Tuesday the 19th. 

My stupid GYN was a bitch when I called her earlier and totally dismissed everything I was saying.  I'm done with her.   My friend recommended on and she was on vacation.  She recommended another one.  That one was not taking new patients.  My other friend recommended someone who was also not in.  My other friends Dr.  Is one in LI that I will never be able to get to because I don't have a car.  My insurance will not cover well woman care with a homebirth midwife which is what another friend recommended.  I am going insane.  I just want some answers  and I was somewhat ok with the bleeding until all this gyn crap started to happen so now I'm sorry I called because now I am stressed out.  My stress level went through the fucking roof after that.  And then like the fucking idiot that I am I actually went and fucking googled.  which is always a BAD idea.  ALWAYS!  

I hate this!  I have to try and look up people online now and see if I can find an obgyn which I don't like because to me it really is the equivalent to opening up the yellow pages.  bleh. 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hate bra shopping.  I love my boobs but every time its time to find a bra I want to kill people.  Its not fair that I can't find anything pretty cheaper than $50 in my size.  If I was just one cup size smaller I would have so many more options.  sigh.  NOT FUCKING FAIR!    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

title

I made some kick ass steaks today.  :)  I just had to share that. 

I hate humidity and the bad hair it gives me.  I have been trying to find a hair product that will tame my frizziness but that is hard on the budget that I am.  I fucking hate it.  I really wish this were 1985 so that my hair would be beautiful.  Of course with my luck that would mean that my hair would be straight and unfrizzy.

I hate my job.  Have I mentioned that?  But.... It has done wonders for my bedroom life.  Apparently when I get really stressed out.  I get very turned on.  I am so angry when I leave my job that the first thing I do when I come home is jump my husbands bones.   Yep!  And not once but a few times.  I just can't get enough.  I guess working at that place is a good thing.  lol

You know what else I hate?  People who only call you when they need something.  That is so fucking annoying.

Something really weird that happens to me is that I get stared at a lot when I'm out and about by myself.  I have really noticed it now that I'm commuting regularly by myself.  It doesn't happen much when I'm out with Anthony.  But if I'm by myself, well I have several people walk into poles because they are too busy staring at me.  You'd think that I was on tv or something and its both men and women.  It creeps me out.  Stop staring at me people.  Funny thing is I don't remember this happening so much when I was younger and hotter.  But now it happens ALL THE TIME!

I gotta go my dog is doing the peepee dance. 

I never know what to title these things.

I don't think I am cut out to be a working mom.  I know this is a period of adjustment for everyone but I have only worked four days and I feel like I've had my toll.  My house is a mess.  Daughter is having meltdowns. Husband and I seem to not be spending much time together because we seem to be spending so much time catching up on stuff during the week.  The sad thing is I'm only working three days a week.  Its part time.  Why is it so hard?  I definitly need to work on time management because if it keeps going this way its not going to work.  Have I mentioned how much I hate my boss?  She is driving met nuts.  I guess because we have known each other for so long she lets me see sides of her personality that she wouldn't let other employees see.  This also why its so hard for me to adjust to working.  I get home really stressed out even if I have done nothing just from dealing with her. 

So which one of my two readers would like to suggest some fiction books for me to read on the bus ride.  I think the reason I find it to be so miserable is because I have nothing to entertain me.  The people on the bus usually hate me because I am always blasting some type of metal on my ipod.  Which keeps people from sitting next to me.  YES!  There is no way I'm lowering the volume if it keeps people away from me.  hahahaha.  I really think there should be a smell-o-meter on the door of every bus and subway station because umm ewwwwww.  How the fuck do you think it is ok for you to go out in public if you smell like you haven't taken a shower in weeks?  By the way all that bling isn't taking the smell away.  ugh. yuck.  Nothing like being in confined space with someone who stinks for 30 minutes.  yuck.  I can't wait till we save up enough money for us to buy a small car.  Can't wait. 

Something I realized yesterday.  I loooooooove to play with make up.  And I'm constantly playing around with colors and practicing for that one day that never comes when we go out and do something fun as adults.  hahahahahahaha  You know what I haven't practiced NEUTRALS!  I was trying to do my make up for work and I stared at the neutral palette for a while and of course my attention was caught by the darkest browns. LOL.  So this week I will be playing around with the neutral palette and maybe I will have a neutral look for Friday.